Dreamers Wanted..

A couple of weeks ago I found myself at the nucleus of an argument. 'How is that even you ask?' It is very possible and the thing is it does not happen when you are in slumber land, rather when you are awake as a night owl. The most common way of 'finding yourself' in one, is engaging in a good debate, on a simple subject with nice people and then when you are in too deep the subject changes and the participants gang up on you! And that's when you ask like I did- "How the hell did I get here?"

Even when Nairobi is very hot, somehow our house remains cold; it must be the price of living on the fourth floor. So when room temperature threaten to freeze my creative mind I normally bask outside in the sun in the balcony. On this particular day I decided, not to bask from the balcony but went right outside the apartment gate and sat on some stones in a corner that was associated with jobless graduates and macho men who whistled at girls passing by. They were never there in the morning cause I guess when you are jobless and sly, you don't need to wake up early; you have your breakfast at midday leave your house  to your sad corner where you attempt to make girls passing by as sad as you are.

I sat there, enjoying the free glorious warmth of the sun as I tweeted, re-tweeted and liked photos on Facebook; then two women joined me. They were from the apartment opposite ours and we were only acquaintances. They said hi to me and sat, one on my right and the other on the left. Our common goal dissolved the unfamiliarity between us and soon we begun a conversation. By the way Kenya is not so much the place where people don't talk to strangers, how many times have you made a friend in a matatu with your seatmate after being stuck in the traffic jam for hours? A couple? A lot? Yeah me too.

The situation there was pretty much the same. We begun conversing about the weather. Each of us opened up about- how we deal with the cold? And I learned two things- a)Hot beverages can only do so much in relieving cold and b)I was so darn unlucky for not having a boyfriend: Cause in cold times they come in handy ( I mean literally). We also complained about the weather, hating on both the hot and cold and throwing in our shallow meteorological knowledge (the Kenyan know it all fashion!)-if God wanted to help us then he wouldn't because am sure we left Him very confused!

Somehow we started discussing; women, family and career. I honestly have no idea who cued these sticky issue into a simple discussion about weather (you will find out how sticky they can get in a moment). But am certain it wasn't me, simply because combined with politics they have never been my favorite topics. Bearing in mind how the debate went down though, I would have preferred to talk about the chances of Eugene Wamalwa being the next Governor in Nairobi, or what exactly will happen to all the money lost in the NYS scandal! Anything would do but family, women, marriage and career.

Both ladies were mothers, I wasn't (am still not!). They had jobs which guaranteed a regular pay check every month end, I didn't (I still don't!). The one on my right was married. Well it depends on what definition of marriage works for you! Marriage here means- after her boyfriend knocked her up, they moved in together, she changed her Facebook marital status to 'married' and every photo she posted on Facebook of him and the child was accompanied by hash tags; #hubbytings #happywife #bestfriendsforlife. She was a Mrs. Someone!

The other lady was well on her way to marriage land. She had already set plans in motion to move in with her baby daddy. For a variety of reasons you have seen, i was the odd bean in the pod and anything I said or did had the potential of coming home to roost!

I sat there and quietly listened to them profess their pride of being mothers and wives. I was genuinely happy for them and congratulated them- it's the best anyone in my shoes would do. And they were happy that I thought they were good mothers. But that didn't last long! I mentioned that I wanted to postpone motherhood until my career left the runway and soared to the sky. Big mistake! Very big mistake! Well you can even say mistakes, because 1)I shouldn't have opened my heart to acquaintances who the line that separated them from being strangers was pretty thin and 2)I should just have stopped at the warm congratulations, instead of insinuating motherhood would slow my career down. The two women read mockery in my statement (I assure you there was none!) They believed I perceived myself to be better than them because I was not a young mother or even a wife like they were and just like that the good mood the weather debate had created disappeared, swallowed up by the heavy air of a sticky issue. The sun stopped being warm and I felt a cold shill run through my body.

They condemned my attitude to consciously postpone motherhood labeling it un-African. Embracing motherhood, they explained was an imperative indicator of how proud I was to be an African and Kenyan for that matter. They even quoted swahili proverbs- "Mwacha mila ni mtumwa". I was the mwacha mila and the mtumwa, at the same darn time! Too much to carry on two shoulders, hey? They were so fired up and persistently pointed their arsenals at me! I attempted to explain that mine was a choice just like any other, but they couldn't let me finish a sentence; and sitted on my right hand and left it was so easy for them to do it.

My readiness to sacrifice family at the career alter nearly made them go gaga. They profusely explained that they had careers and families and they lived notably comfortable lives, financially, emotionally and basically everything-ally. That with their income however small, added to their husbands'/ boyfriends' was just about enough! They at that moment (at least) from their chant, were perfect emblems of proud African women.

Had there been a moderator, I would have been declared the loser.

Here is the thing: When you find yourself  in a discussion that every sense the good God has given you tells you isn't going anywhere, the best option is to walk away. But there is always a part of every mortal that is appealed by ego that tempts you to stay and stick it up. That part I guess is normally under old Lucifer's rule cause it is always wrong! For a while my ego took the best of me and I sat there sandwiched trying to raise my voice only to be overcome by my opponents; but when the penny dropped, I made a decision to leave and I left. I was upset that these women were so judgmental of my choices, that they did not leave room for an opinion contrary to theirs. But i was more furious that my quiet basking time, turned out to be an ideological battlefield. To be fair, I also played a role in adding diesel to the debate.

As I climbed up the stairs to the house, my armpits sweaty and my pulse rate faster than normal; I wondered why they did not understand me. I wished they would take a closer look at the society at the time I was a young adult, and see that this is what I learned from everything that was going on then. And there I had an epiphany- 'This could be a blog post!'  

But this is not about me, it's about my generation!

At the time of our birth, our mothers had limited access to opportunities just by the virtue of being women. Just like other mothers across Africa and the world, their progress was  unfairly clipped by patriarchal structures in the society. Our mothers grew up at a time when the boy child had relentless support from the society on everything they dream of doing. Boys were free to go wild  while they (our mothers) on the other hand did not get much invested in their ambitions. They were viewed as caregivers who remained at home to care for younger siblings, ailing family members and the old. This role was given priority, and not their education. Those who went to high school were lucky, those who went and finished were luckier and for most primary school was the end of the road for education. This meant that the men had little competition for resources for further education.

Seeing as their wasn't much for them; while still young they left their homes to begin their families with their husbands. But they soon found out that what was on the marriage table wasn't very different from what they had left behind in their parents' homes. They became depended on their husbands and when honeymoon was over and the candles of the fresh marriage begun to burn out, disrespect and violence set in. They were for a second time betrayed by the society. Dreams they had for themselves were suffocated before they could flourish.

They had almost given up all hope, but then we were born. They were told they must have more and more sons, but they had us. And they knew fate was cooking something that would bring joy to their lives! So when we came out crying, they quickly counted our fingers and toes-we were whole! And for once the seemingly eternally dark tunnel had a ray of hope, for they saw little angels who would build the legacy they didn't.

Lady luck favored them; for at the same time, other women trailblazers were already challenging status quo. Becoming a voice for all women oppressed by patriarchal systems. And we grew up at a time when they made meaningful gains in their fight. Organized patriarchy started to give way to gender equality rules and laws that were embedded in National constitutions and international conventions.

This is when a generation of young women became, Alpha females! A generation am part of. Raised with a feminist credo that; we could do as much as men and more! That we had a responsibility to go off the script. Our mothers also sat us down to give us secrets that were not found in the testosterone book, they dissected their lives for us to see who exactly they were, their failures, ambitions and achievements and told us:

"My daughter I once had dreams, but I did not achieve them. I will not make excuses, and I need you to learn that making excuses does not solve anything. What happened to me doesn't matter right now, what you will do about achieving your ambitions however does! So get out there and strive to achieve like the men and even be. Step over rungs that I didn't. Be greater than I was. The dreams I thought had died, have found fresh expression in you my daughter"

With these words they passed the baton to us. So we set out to be daughters that our mothers would be proud of. As our understanding of the world grew deeper and as we looked up to the women at the vanguard of female empowerment we created more definitions of success. We stopped believing in marriage before personal stability especially in the financial space. We believed that postponing motherhood until we were ready for it increased our chances of success, so that we would pass something better to the next generation. Our world became one of choices and motherhood became an option not a prerequisite for fulfilling adulthood.

Yes, we take responsibility of the choices we have made; but we are also products of a manufacturing system that taught us to be more and do more. We have made mistakes and chances are we will make more. Please cut us some slack when we make some of these 'radical' decisions. 

Image Credit: